Blog Post the First

I’m starting a blog, yo!

I’ve toyed with the idea of blogging before. I have a lot of Opinions, guys. Capital O intended. And the comments section on the Huffington Post isn’t cutting it. I need a space where I can say what I’m thinking, unencumbered by character limits and without the inborn bias and prejudice found on the comment sections of most news sites, etc. But I’ve always fizzled in the past, before even starting. I really hope I won’t be one of those people who only blogs 3 times a year, because I think if people will actually read it and even engage, that it could lead to some very interesting as well as important dialogue. But I have a tendency to flake out. A lot. Or, you know, maybe I’ll be totally awesome but no one will read it. So I guess we’ll see what happens!

My blog, as is the case for most people, is going to be mainly whatever I’m thinking of at the moment, which could really be anything, but the primary focus will be me trying to reconcile two seemingly incompatible parts of myself  – my Mormon faith, and my liberal political views.

So to start out with, here’s a little bit about me:

My name is Nichole, I am 31 years old, a single female living in Centerville, UT. I grew up in northwest Montana, and was born into the LDS church. In fact, I recently did a little genealogical research and can trace all four of my family lines back to the very beginning of the church. I’m as “ethnically Mormon” as it is possible to be. My great great grandfather on my father’s side was Joseph Bates Noble, who has the dubious honor of being the priesthood authority who performed the very first plural marriage ceremony, when Joseph Smith took his first second wife. (Yeah, I know.)

My point is, I was raised Mormon. Like really, really Mormon. Although I wasn’t raised Utah Mormon, thank heavens.

I was a very happy Mormon. My testimony was strong, and I loved my ward. Growing up in a small town like that, your ward really is your family. Those were (and are) people who watched me grow up, people I’ve known my whole life. It was, on the whole, a very positive experience.

When I graduated, I moved to Provo, Utah and attended BYU. I was active in my student ward, as were my roommates and our friends, and that was also a very positive experience. I really enjoyed BYU, especially my religion classes. One in particular left an impression, a really awesome class focusing on the second half of the New Testament. Man I wish I could remember that professor’s name.

But around the age of 21, I stopped going to church regularly. Mainly it had to do with my job, I started having to work a lot more Sundays, and also I had to move out of my apartment complex and going to a new ward with roommates I didn’t know was less than motivating, especially since I couldn’t go every week.

I then moved from Provo to Farmington, then to Salt Lake, and then back to Farmington. My experience with the various wards I attended during that time grew increasingly negative, until I finally decided I couldn’t do it anymore. That was 2007. I was 25. Up to that point I had still been going to church sporadically (though not often), but after that I stopped entirely and was completely inactive in the church up until a couple of months ago.

That was when I had a huge change in my life. I was going through a big event that was causing me every negative emotion in the book – fear, doubt, hopelessness, despair. I have struggled with depression all my life, and this event seemed like the last straw to me. I just couldn’t handle feeling that way anymore, so I had two choices. I initially made the wrong one, but due to what I believe to be the intercession of my Heavenly Father, I was given a second chance to make a better decision. And so with nowhere left to turn, I found myself on my knees.

I do not have words to explain the feelings of peace and love that came over me. My Heavenly Father reached out to me immediately. Throughout all my years away from the church, I had never stopped believing in God, but having knowingly turned away from His church, I felt that it would be hypocritical of me to pray or attempt to have a relationship with Him. It was very hard for me to turn to Him; I felt that I would not be heard. Why would He listen to me, or answer me, when I had been so willingly obstinate?

So to feel that immediate outpouring of love was something very special. And all of a sudden, I felt something that just moments before had seemed impossible – hope. The world was suddenly full of possibility again. Through consistent prayer, over the next month I was able to make incredible changes in my life that I know I could not have done on my own. I know because I had been trying for years.

I started going to church again, and have been reading the scriptures and other doctrinal books. (I’ve linked to some amazing ones in the sidebar of this blog.) I was surprised by how quickly my testimony started to come back to me. I am in awe of the love of Christ and so thankful for the gospel in my life.

But the bottom line is, there are reasons that I did not want to go back to church, and those reasons didn’t just go away. I won't get into to detail about those reasons here, since they'll all probably get their own post at some point, if not several. But anyway, my faith tells me that this is where my Heavenly Father wants me to be, so I have to figure out a way to make it all gel.

One day, early in this new journey, I sat alone in relief society feeling like a square peg. It wasn’t that anyone had made me feel unwelcome. But I didn’t feel like I belonged. Like the lesson didn't really pertain to me. Being an “older” single woman with no children and liberal beliefs, little to no interest in canning, food storage or vinyl lettering, and (ideally) a full time job makes me Different. As I was sitting there stewing in all that dissonance, I felt like the Lord was speaking to me, telling me that it was okay that I was different – in fact, it was good. That I was the person that I was meant to be, and that I didn’t have to be anyone else in order to belong. Not only that, but that because I am different, I have something special and important to contribute. It was a powerful feeling for me.

So here’s one way for me to do that. If I can help anyone look at a topic in a way they haven’t thought of before, then I will count myself as successful. I believe that being a Mormon liberal allows me to walk a mile in the shoes of both sides of many debates, in a way that most people can’t. In most polarizing political issues, it can become very difficult to understand why the opposing side thinks the way they do – our position is so obvious to us, why is it not obvious to them? It’s like we’re speaking completely different languages.

I have very strong opinions about many issues and fall into that trap easily, but I think that my background allows me to step back, if I choose, and have an understanding of the opposing side that most other people don’t have. Maybe that gives me the ability to translate for some of the more heated debates? Maybe help us understand each other a little better? That’s my hope for this blog. Oh, and the ranting. Never underestimate the healing power of a good  rant.