I do have a good post in the works, if I can ever summon up the energy to finish it. One of the problems with this blog is that the whole point of it is to discuss topics that get me worked up. But then I get all worked up while I'm writing them, and I get frustrated and pissy and I don't like feeling that way, so they get hard to finish...
But anyhoo. I do plan to post some more interesting stuff soonish, but in the meantime, I wanted to make an announcement.
While I will not be changing the name of the blog, it is currently not all that accurate because I have made the decision to stop going to church. Whether or not that will be permanent I don't know yet. I'm not making any plans one way or the other. But I found that going to church was actually distracting from my true goal, which was to work on my spiritual side and develop a strong, personal relationship with God. Church was supposed to help me on that path but it did the opposite.
So I'm taking a break to focus on that, and if that journey leads me back to the church, then great. If not, I guess we'll see where it does take me.
This doesn't mean that I'm abandoning Mormonism altogether. In fact, I might start attending a weekly Book of Mormon class with my sister. There is so much good that Mormonism has to offer that can't be found in other religions; things pertaining to the atonement of Christ, the Fall of Adam and our very purpose on this earth, that I fully believe in and can't just throw away. So I plan to continue reading the scriptures, including the Book of Mormon (but probably not the D&C), and other church related books.
But over the years I have really struggled with the LDS culture and the seeming demand for complete conformity that I just can't fall in line with. I've tried. I just don't bend that way and I don't believe my Father in Heaven wants me to break. He doesn't want me to twist myself in knots trying to fit a cultural ideal. He wants me to let Him shape me into the person I'm intended to be.
So that's where I am.
I had a conversation with my sister on Sunday after I went to church with her that was pretty simple, and yet had a really big impact on me. I told her I'd decided not to go to church anymore, and she said two things in that conversation that were really, really obvious and were probably floating around in my own head somewhere, but for some reason I couldn't see them so when she said them out loud it was like a light going on.
One was that she could see I wasn't happy. My first instinct was to respond, "That's not true, I'm fine." But, oh, light bulb, she was right. Compared to what things were like when I lost my job and was unemployed for two months, things are better so I've sort of been in denial about it, but I really haven't been happy. I've actually been incredibly frustrated because I've been looking at my life and realizing that as an adult, I haven't finished anything I've started, from college to novels to craft projects. I haven't finished a single thing. And add that to the fact that I have this really easy job that demands basically nothing of me, and yet I'm still not doing anything with my time... I've been angry with myself because I thought that now that I wasn't in a job that sucked out every single bit of my physical, emotional and mental energy that I would be able to focus on achieving some of my other goals, but instead I just sit around and watch TV. Surprise. I'm not happy.
And that leads me to the second thing she said, which was that I needed to do something every day that makes me feel good about myself, that feeds my soul.
Again, it seems really obvious, but man. That was exactly what I was missing. No wonder I haven't been able to accomplish anything. Our spirits, souls, whatever, are like our bodies. They require fuel to keep going, and I have not been feeding mine. At all. I have nothing to give to anyone or anything because I'm spiritually starved.
So I haven't fully figured out what that something is that I need to do to feed my soul, but I think it's going to have a lot to do with prayer. And honestly, when I think about what makes me happy, what makes me feel good about myself, I think about singing. I feel good when I sing. It feeds me. So I guess I need to find a way to incorporate that into my life more.
The other thing I'm trying to do is change some of my negative thought patterns. Just like when we drive the same route to work every day and then you find yourself going to work when you meant to go somewhere else entirely, our brains have certain routes it likes to follow and if you're not paying attention, you'll find yourself following that route to the same destination every time. For me that destination looks a lot like "no one will ever love you" and "you don't deserve to have ___ because you're not a real person." Isn't that weird? I don't necessarily think it in exactly those words, but a lot of my thought patterns go back to me not feeling feeling like a full legitimate person. Like I'm just a background person. I'm an extra in the movie of someone else's life, and I don't deserve to have the things that real people have, like romantic partners or fulfilling jobs or social lives or whatever. By being aware of these thought patterns, I actually caught myself today denying myself basic health care because I felt like I didn't deserve it. Or maybe it was more like I don't feel like a real person and so I assume the doctor won't see me that way either, so he/she won't actually be able to help me in any meaningful way. I just assume the doctor doesn't give a crap about me so why spend all that money (i don't have insurance right now) and time (last time I went to the doctor, I sat in the waiting room for almost two hours before the doctor finally deigned to see me) on something so pointless?
Those are the thought patterns I'm trying to change, so that ends up with me repeating affirmations to myself like, "You're awesome! You're easy to love! You deserve to be happy!"
Which makes me feel like a world class dork, but I'm told it works and I really have nothing to lose.
Except my pride. Why am I putting this out on the internet again? I guess I'm hoping that by baring my soul and embarrassing myself to death, that maybe someone else will gain something. Maybe someone else who feels the way I feel will stumble across this and know they're not alone. Maybe it will be encouraging to someone. That's my hope.
So anyway. In a nutshell: Trying to fix my broken-ness and become a happy person who does things. And I'm not going to church anymore.
Hopefully I'll be able to share my post on the dreaded F word soon, so you all can bask in its wonderfulness. I'm going to try to keep my rage to a minimum so I might actually be able to finish it. But it's hard.
Til next time...
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