Immersion Week

The last time I blogged, I announced that I wasn't going to go to church anymore. I felt that going to church meetings on Sunday was distracting me because I kept getting worked up over tangential issues and I was losing my focus on what was important. So my plan was to eliminate that distraction by taking a break from the “organized religion” part of it, and focus on my personal relationship with God through prayer and scripture study.

I thought it sounded pretty solid, but you guys didn't agree. (I want to thank those of you who didn't agree though, because you did so with love and no judgment and that is always welcome.)
My mother especially didn't like it. (No, my mother doesn't read this blog, she can't even check her email. I made the mistake of telling her on the phone.)  Her response was something like “I’m not telling you what to do. But don’t do that.” Normally I don’t really care what my mother thinks, I’m a grown up and I do what I want. But for some reason her opinion mattered this time and I started to second guess my decision.

So long story short, instead of giving up on church altogether, I decided to keep going but just to sacrament meeting. And now I'm back to the whole block. So... yeah. Just kidding, guys! Previous announcement redacted... ha ha. (Awkward.)

But the whole point of this blog is to document the journey, and that was part of it. You've all seen this diagram, right? Well, it's accurate. So I'm not going to be embarrassed about my squiggles, okay?

The crux of the issue is that if I had already been doing "part B" of my plan, and I was still distracted by my church meetings, then my theory might have held water. But I wasn't. Not consistently, by any means. Instead of giving up on church as a way to eliminate distraction, I should have put the focus on the other part of the plan. The part where I actually live the gospel instead of just listening to people talk about it. Which is what I'm trying to do now.

But why is that so hard? I guess if it was easy there wouldn't be much of a point. Ultimately I decided that the idea of diligently praying and studying the scriptures every day for the rest of my life was just too intimidating and maybe that's what was causing my mental block. So I thought, maybe I'll just make a goal of doing it for one week. I can do anything for one week.

This quickly led to "well, if I'm only doing it for one week, maybe I'll also blah blah blah" and this is how "Immersion Week" was born.

The idea of immersion week is to, for one week (surprise!), eliminate all distractions and focus on the spiritual. I figure this could look like a lot of different things for different people. I also figure there are varying degrees of success, but whatever. I can already claim to have screwed up and changed some of my own rules and it's only Tuesday. But here is what "Immersion Week" looked like for me:

The Don'ts (aka eliminating distraction)
1. No TV
2. No Facebook (I'm 0 for 2 already!)
3. No non-church books

The Do's
1. Pray every morning and night
2. Listen to church music in the car on the way to work
3. Read one Ensign article every day
4. Watch at least one conference talk every day
5. 20 minutes of scriptures
6. One chapter of a church book (I'm currently reading The Infinite Atonement, it's fantastic)
7. Journal 10 things I'm grateful for each day
8. 20 minutes of meditation

I started Immersion Week on Sunday with a fast, and I figured while I was at it, I'd take another pretty big leap and I actually went to my own ward for the first time.
This might not seem like a big deal, but you guys, it was HUGE. Have you ever gone to a brand new ward where you didn't know a single person, completely by yourself with no moral support? I was terrified. But I did it. I walked in that building with my heart pounding in my chest, and I found a seat and I sat through sacrament. And when sacrament was over, I girded up my courage again and I asked someone where Sunday School was. Anyone who knows me and how shy I am will know what a big deal that was for me. I was tempted to say "I've done enough for today" and go home, but I didn't.

It felt pretty amazing. I mean, afterward I felt like I had accomplished something like running a marathon or climbing a mountain or something. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I did feel like I had overcome a fear and conquered something.
But in addition to that, I also really felt the Spirit confirming to me that I was doing the right thing and that I was in the right place. I may not know why... my ward is really old, y'all. The Relief Society must be super busy with all the funeral potatoes. Just saying. But that's okay. All those old ladies were really sweet and welcoming to me, and I know that my Father in Heaven has a plan for me and being in that ward is part of it for whatever reason. There were some less-old women there too, and based on some of the comments made in Relief Society, maybe I do have some idea why the Lord put me there. I'm interested in getting to know some of those ladies better.

So I count Sunday, day 1 of Immersion Week, as a resounding success. If the goal has been to feel the Spirit this week, then I can put a big check mark next to both Sunday and Monday. I have felt that outpouring of love that I first felt six months ago when I began this journey, and I'm remembering why I chose to do this. Why realigning myself with the LDS church is worth it, even when I don't fully understand (or even completely disagree with) some policies or doctrines. Even when being so open and honest about it is scary because I wonder what my non-LDS friends are going to think of me. Following the Savior is always worth it.

As alluded to above, that still doesn't mean that all those issues that caused me to leave the church originally just magically disappeared, and I do still intend to eventually address some of those on this blog. Hopefully I'll have a post ready this week. But what it does mean is that I have faith that Heavenly Father has it all figured out, and even when I don't understand the plan, I'm not worried because He does and one day I will understand. I'll see it all laid out before me and will rejoice in His perfect wisdom.